Lindsey Hammond
Are you taking advantage of being forgiven?
Woah.
The first time I asked myself this question I sat with tear stained cheeks and a quivery lip, I felt every inch of my body shudder at the thought of my own selfishness. I could tell myself a million times that I’d surrendered my life, but did I really? Or did I allow religion to get in the way? Even now I can feel the way the sun hit my skin, overwhelming warmth suffocated the darkness in my body—I knew I had found my answer—my heart felt more broken than whole yet I finally felt like I was standing on my own two feet again. Instead of choosing to harbor resentment towards the pain, I knocked on the door and allowed my feet to carry me into a dark room. Nothing could have prepared me for the process of being gracefully undone by the Father. Pain began to feel like baby steps in the right direction, tears felt like progress, the break in my mouth now revealed a smile, and I stood taller as each failure was rewritten.
In our modern culture we have this unwelcome tendency to be mistake ridden and full of trouble as we process with the Lord. This false narrative has so many people conditioned to believe that sinning is something that you’ll never overcome. It speaks death over areas that The Lord has already claimed victory. I had to learn how I was going to defy the expectation of being a wreck just because I was in a process with my Maker. Feeling sorry for being intensely human had carried me down a path of self destruction, but I could no longer look at my intensity in that light. I was created with wild, honest, raw emotions that have power to possess anointing. All it took was an 18 inch journey from my head to my heart.
Substance. “ultimate reality that underlies all outward manifestations and change.” — “essential nature”
Through my deep longing for a well-developed answer from Abba I kept circling back to this single word. Every time I heard it, I slowed down and allowed it to sink deeper. In some ways I found healing in a single word. I wrestled with it because of the weightiness it brought on me. I felt all of the times I took advantage of forgiveness coming to the surface. The process of refining gold was happening in my heart—I was burning, purifying and refining. Relative to the hurt I had battled in my life, the process of refining felt cleansing. It pushed me to my limits. I didn’t have to understand to know that he was bringing new wine out of me. Selfishness left. Hurt left. Resentment left. All that was left was a heart of surrender. I was ready to forge an unhurried pursuit. I called it “The pursuit of all things darling.” it’s tattooed on my right side, just in case I forget.
If your heart is ready for a shift, for a fresh revelation with the King, for freedom from the suffocation of failure and disappointment, then you’ll have to hold your whole heart with open hands. It feels scary. Almost too vulnerable for your human nature to comprehend, but I promise you—the One who designed you, who chose you first, who holds your heart, He will never fail you. His history proves that He is a gentleman with our hearts. Given the choice, He would still choose us a million times over. Trusting His character is a winding road of blind corners and oncoming headlights. It feels like we are forging new roads, but He’d never leave us to wander in the dark for longer than we can handle. The pressing forward, full of faith, free of fear heart posture is when we see change. When we set down our expectation of perfection—or religion that’ll rob us of the journey—and we run after this gentleman, Jesus. Who is proud of our baby steps. He sees His daughter with tears in His eyes. He’s a proud Dad. He’s championing you. He sees the angst in your plea for all that He is. There is no shame in the brokenness you once felt. The only thing left now is a whole hearted surrender to the Maker of the World, setting aside expectation and taking steps into the dark, full of faith because you know who is by your side.
The way I pull my vulnerability to the surface is through questions. How they process in my mind creates an intense longing to understand why they affect me so deeply. In response to rhetorical questions, I find myself diving into swimming pools of new revelation.
Take a few minutes and allow these words to smudge the line you’ve drawn between your failure + grace…
“Suffering doesn’t destroy faith, it refines it.”
“When you wash someone's feet, you find out why they walk the way they do.”
“My heart is not a burden to be micromanaged or a complicated puzzle to be solved.”
“If you don’t have the ability to overcome offense you don’t have the ability to walk in your calling.”
“Rise up daughter, find your feet again.”
I’ll leave you with this. Don’t allow your pursuit of the Lord to become a to-do list. You’ll find yourself in a museum full of art with your eyes closed. Pursue intense relationship with the One who Himself is the museum and all of the art. Darling, be stern with the matter of your heart, open your eyes in the museum, break free of the lies that bound you, hand over your heart to your Abba Father, your safety. I promise you’ll never know a love better than His. You’ll never see clearer or love more than when you fall into His arms. He will make your heart whole again.
“Never doubt God’s mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for his miraculous power constantly energizes you.”
Ephesians 3:20 TPT
I am so proud of you, for your willingness to be undone by the father and allowing Him to become the substance of all that you are.
You will never walk alone.
Written by: Lindsey Hammond
