Zephaniah Barte

“You never really know what you have until it’s gone.”

 Such a cliché quote, right?

 I remember sitting in my car a few years ago thinking about this quote. Everything inside of me felt uneasy, anxious, flustered. No matter what I did, nothing ever felt satisfying enough to settle the things going on inside of me.

 I didn’t realize how much peace God gave me until I no longer had it. There was a moment in my life where I was so over the conviction that would come into my heart when I was living in sin. One night as I was driving home and I asked God to just stop. I asked Him to stop with the convictions and escorted Him out.

It took not wanting to hear God speak to me, to realize and understand how often he spoke and how the Holy Spirit constantly looked out for me.

I understand how horrible that seems but at this point I was so far gone and so numb. I thought I had lost everything there was to lose. I was creating distance between God and me. I thought, “I chose this. I made these decisions and I have to live with it.” I genuinely thought that I was done. I was trying to fix everything through my own efforts. I grew tired and nothing ever felt settled in my life.

 I grew up loving the Lord, honestly. But I went through a season in my life where I questioned everything about myself. I was in a relationship all throughout high school, which ended, and never realized how much I didn’t know who I was apart from another person. I was insecure and wanted to fulfill a part of me that was hurting through superficial relationships.

 I got into a relationship and compromised who I was and all of that which God called me to. I dabbled in things I had no business going into. My relationship with my family was terrible. I stopped serving at church. I was at church just to not be in trouble. I broke trust with some of my dear friends. I was constantly lying to live a life not made for me. I got kicked out of my house on multiple occasions. No one trusted me and I built a wall that separated me and the community God gave me. I was a completely different person. I was so broken and numb to the hurt I was causing the people I loved most. It was a constant cycle of brokenness.

 God used so many different people in my life, some even strangers to call me back to Him. People would contact me telling me about a dream they had of me. One of which was me on a bed, going down a river made of God’s tears. He was crying for me. God really went out of His way to speak to someone else to speak to me. That’s how much He wanted to tell me He loves me regardless!

 All it took was a “yes” from me to come back to Him. I remember weeping at work because I was tired of the cycle that my life was going in. It was in that moment where everything changed. I was looking to other things and other people to fill the need of peace, love and security in my life. In a matter of a month, all that I thought was lost, God redeemed, restored and reconciled. All that I was looking for was in Him. The very One I asked out of my life was the One who brought peace into my life. He said in Isaiah 26:3, “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.”

 It’s funny because we think that God’s love has a limit. It’s like if you sin ‘x’ amount of times, you’re no longer redeemable. Those are all lies. I am a living witness of God’s reckless love. I have personally seen how “love covers a multitude of sins”. I was that one that God left the ninety-nine for. No matter where you are in your life, understand that God is for you. God’s love knows no limits.

 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)

Written by: Zephaniah Barte

 

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