Erin Pender
Whole.
all of something; in an unbroken or undamaged state; in one piece.
It is possible to be whole and experience hurt. It is possible to be fully whole in Jesus and still working through your mess.
I’m not going to waste any time in these few sentences I have. I’m an all-or-nothing thinker, talker, feeler, friend, daughter.. every bit of me pours out into everything I say & do. I am mostly proud of this fact. I love that I leave everything I have on the table. However, there is one thing that I don’t love about that tendency: I am often left feeling emotional, hurt, crazy, or even “ruined”.
A simple truth that I wish I would have really grasped a long time ago is this: God made every bit of me. My emotions, desires, triggers.. he knows exactly how I’m wired because he made me. He fully formed me.
Many times, Christians try to cling so hard to the joy of the Lord that raw emotions get overlooked and are pushed down. It is natural for us to look for the hope in every situation, but we cannot deny the reality of human emotion. We cannot lie to ourselves, and we definitely cannot hide from God. When I was in one of the darkest seasons I had ever experienced (about two years ago), I was surrounded with amazing community that pushed me to Jesus, but I don’t think I initially let myself rest in the fact that my heart was shattered and my spirit felt crushed. Skipping over that season was detrimental to my healing because I realized I had been lying to myself and everyone around me continuously saying “I’m fine, life is so good, God is working for my good.” While that may be true, and God in fact was working for my good (He always is!) my heart still hurt so much. *You cannot move forward if you are not honest with where you’re at*
Naturally, I felt like I moved backward after that, because I had to start over from square one and admit that I was hurting. Once I brought my sadness to the Lord, I felt peace that truly surpassed all my understanding. *The peace the Bible speaks of* And once it clicked, that God wants my heart in the very thick of the mess, I began having some of the most raw and beautiful conversations with Him and realized I had been holding back my entire life out of the fear of looking crazy. I yelled, cried, begged, and even whined, every night for a few months.. then one day it didn’t hurt so bad. One day I woke up and felt like pieces of my heart had been slowly put back in the puzzle. I continued to be honest with all of my friends and family, shared by burdens with safe, godly community that helped me on my journey, and one day I just woke up feeling WHOLE. Of course I was still processing all my emotions, but that didn’t take away from the fact that I actually felt full of hope, and I didn’t feel like an imposter anymore.
Even Jesus prayed to His father in the garden right before He was crucified, and begged God to change His plan if there was any other way. Jesus, fully God AND fully human, meets us here in our humanity. Emotions are completely natural- all of them. Yes, even Jesus relates.
Fast forward to today, life still throws me curve balls and I still feel crazy from time to time, but I’m not thrown off or inclined to hide from my emotions. My heart feels sad occasionally, but never abandoned or locked up. I am able to fall in love again, feel peace when I shouldn’t, cry & celebrate with my friends, and truly feel the JOY of the Lord. The best part of this journey is that I get to be there for other friends experiencing this same struggle. I learned to be what I want to see. I want to see a community of Christians that aren’t afraid to admit to the pain we experience here on earth, because we know it is so temporary. When we are honest with ourselves and with God, we can truly heal and help others find the same healing. The healing that comes from laying it all out on the table- laying it all down at the feet of Jesus who understands.
Life is fully lived between the hurt we experience here on earth and clinging to the hope of eternity in heaven.. that’s our reality as followers of Jesus. We were made to lament AND to rejoice- that’s why the Bible is filled with testimonies of both. Revelation floods into our minds in that tension of lamenting and rejoicing, and we have to talk about it to heal.
P.S. If you’re feeling a flood of weird emotions this Christmas, you’re not alone. This is a weird year and there’s no *right* way to feel today. Take some time away from performing for others and get alone with God.
Written by: Erin Pender
