Mercy Barnes
Beauty from ashes. There have been many integral moments that have made me the person that I am today. Looking back, if someone had told me that I would one day be able to stand in front of a camera and actually see myself as the beautiful woman of God that I am; I would not have taken them seriously. Before I get into how the transformation came about, I would like to share a little about who I am. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was around 12 yrs old. I spent many days talking and hanging out with him when I was a young. Even though I had decided to follow him, I still felt like my journey of finding true love came years later. The first boy I ever liked was Joel. Him and I had become great friends and I was so excited to tell him that I liked him. Finally, one day I mustered up the courage to tell him. When I did, all he said was “okay” and we just went back to playing. I was very disappointed and hurt by his response. That moment right there, set a course for the rest of my life where I would always be chasing after men in my life to find validation, acceptance, and self worth. Every time, I would face rejection and sometimes I would lose a little piece of heart with it. I began to really struggle with my self worth and self-esteem and started to doubt if God really loved me and struggled to understand why I was so un-loveable. This went on for years. About a year ago, things started to take a turn for the worse. I wanted an escape from the life that I was living, but just couldn’t see a way out. I started to cry out to God because I knew that I couldn’t get out of the pit of self-hatred, depression, anxiety, and fear that I was in. I needed help. One night God showed up in a mighty way and showed me just how much He loved me. He delivered me from all the pain and rejection that I had dealt with for so many years. He restored my identity, self worth, and gave me hope for my future. During this season a verse that stood out to me was Isaiah 61:3.
“And provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”
This verse captures what the Lord did in me. When I thought I had no worth he gave me so much beauty. Instead of depression he gave me joy and laughter in my heart. So as I mentioned before, allowing myself to be seen and loved cannot be something that comes from men or other people. It has to be something that comes from the Lord. He is the only one that can and will ever make me feel beautiful. This journey of self discovery has not been easy. There have been pitfalls, growth, pain, joys, and sorrows but I would not trade them for they have all allowed me to walk in the beauty of who God has made me to be today.
Written by: Mercy Barnes
